How many times have you heard of someone who found love after they stopped looking for it? Has this happened to you? I remember hearing this story over and over when I was young, free, single and lonely! For ages, I pretended not to look for love in an effort to find love. That didn’t work! It seems that you really do have to stop looking. Why is that? And how do you do it
Find your Heart
“The law of attraction doesn't work,” said Amy, a caller on my Shift Happens! show on Hay House Radio. “I’ve been looking for love, gone on lots of dates, but I still haven’t found anyone,” she said. I told Amy that maybe the law of attraction is working perfectly. “How so?” she asked. When someone is looking for love they often attract people who are also looking for love. When two people are busy looking for love they don't fully connect, they overlook each other, and so they have to keep on looking somewhere else.
Looking for love is a mind-set that leads you to believe love is outside of you. You look for someone who “has” your love and “is” your love. You show up on dates trying to hide your excitement and weariness. Looking for love is tiring, and it also sends people running scared. I told Amy that looking for love isn’t just about finding another person; it’s also about finding your heart. When you connect more deeply with your heart you experience the love that exists in you. Now love goes with you wherever you go, and that’s good news because love always finds love.
The Basic Fear
“I'm tired of looking for love,” said Dan, my client.
“How long have you been looking?”
“Nearly seven years,” he told me, hanging his head.
“That’s normally long enough to find love.”
“So why haven’t I found love, Doc?” he asked.
“Maybe you’re too sacred to find it,” I told him.
“Tell me more,” said Dan.
In my book Loveability: Knowing How to Love and Be Loved, I describe the basic human drama that exists in each of us. Your soul, which is your original, unconditioned Self (with a capital “S”) is an expression of the basic truth “I am loveable” and your ego, or self-image (with a lower “s”), is an expression of the basic fear, “I am not loveable.” When you look for love you encounter this basic fear and also secondary fears like “What if I never find love?” and “What if love doesn’t exist?” and “What if love rejects me?” The basic fear causes you to “seek but not find” because you don’t feel worthy. In truth, you’re not really looking for love; you’re hiding from love.
Forgiving the Past
Unless you forgive your past, you will always be afraid to love and be loved. You can’t hold on to a grievance and find love. There is no way around this. Forgiveness is the key to finding love. You can’t keep bandaging an old wound, and let love in. You can’t be defensive, and be open to love. You can’t be resentful, and be present. You can’t be cynical, and enjoy loving relationships.
Mary is a widower who told me she keeps attracting people who are unavailable. “Maybe that’s because you are not available yet,” I told her. Mary’s husband died suddenly six years ago. She wants to find love again, but is also scared of getting hurt again. Life is full of hurts. We all hurt each other by our unloving actions. People leave and people die and that’s hurtful. That said, love has never hurt you. Remembering this sacred truth helps you to forgiveness past, to heal the fear of love, and be open to love again.
When you look for love, you are so focused on finding “the one” that you act as if there is no love in your life until he/she gets here. In other words, you get so fixated on romance that you forget about love. Try this exercise. On top of a blank page write “I am loved.” Then take fifteen minutes to recognize the ways you are loved in your life – by your family, your friends, your cat, your angels and your own heart. Don’t worry if you draw a blank to start with. Stay with it and the love will appear. When you recognize how loved you are, it makes you a magnet for even more love.
When you look for love, you put your life on hold. It’s like you’ve told yourself, “I will only show up after I am loved.” Reality can’t give you what you are not giving. You cannot experience what you are not being. Thus, the way to find love is to be the most loving person you can be – and that means being willing to love everyone. Not date everyone! Love everyone. When you love the world, you show up more fully in your life, and that’s how love finds you.
I wish you a beautiful day,
Robert Holden, Ph.D.